computerz

I don't have a job, currently. I could arguably be considered someone wasting his and others time. But I do so with a pleasant demeanour, so I can get away with it. Though, these delightful days are probably coming to an end.

I have little structure to my life at the moment. No major medium-term goals. I generally sit at my laptop and read, read, read. Well, more like read, listen, watch. I am soaking up information like an insatiable info-sponge. And while a portion of this time should really, really be spent making money, there is still value to what I'm doing with my time.

I am broadening my understanding of the world on many levels. The Internet is allowing me to monitor world events and to research a plethora of genres including physics, politics, genetics, technology, sociology, anthropology, nutrition, astronomy, global health, statistics, economics, etc, etc, etc. And while me and my parents can still effectively interact in the same world, it is probably quite true that my view is much broader and forward-looking than theirs.

And perhaps that's part of the problem here. While I read and learn and grow, I often feel that my development has direction. I feel as though I'm preparing for the future. Preparing for the time when I'll be making important decisions that affect more than just a couple of people. Preparing for a time when I will have a purchasing power and extended influence on opinions that will allow me to make substantial changes to the world around me.

Now, while I feel I can justify my addiction to information, there is still the sticky issue of sustaining myself without mooching off of others. I mooch a whole lot right now (I've been called a 'stray cat'). I'm 'allowing' the world to sustain me by doing the minimal amount of work. But my ability to live like this is diminishing as I deplete my reserves of cash (or access to cash, rather). So I'm waiting for that crucial moment of hitting bottom.

Do I require bottoming out in order to make a change? I know the choices that have to be made. I know a lot of the moves I could make which would have positive impact on my life. But for some reason I'm not making them. I feel there are two reasons for this.

One is that, as I said, I am able to continue living (quite comfortably!) in this fashion. There are pressures from creditors, family, society, friends, my own image of my future self. But these pressures are nominal. I can deal with them. They are annoyances, nothing more.

The other is that it appears that patience pays off. I have longer timelines for achieving my goals and as such the paths to them provide less resistance. Obstacles simply peter out or opportunities show themselves eventually. Historically speaking I have not had to put in major short-term effort to attain my goals because I have allowed for very long-term approaches and put up with extended periods of waiting.

Right now I'm 'waiting' on a job that is so close I can taste it. The time line leading to this follows, and you will see that not much effort has been put into getting to this point.

I graduated high school and decided to pursue a business and computer science joint-degree program. Through the business component I was required to complete three work-terms. Two of these work terms were with a company that put me in charge of launching their dormant new website. It was my only real task and as such was able to follow closely our provincial election most of the time and still launch the site with time to spare. I interacted and developed a relationship with the company that built the website. Since then they have considered me a candidate for potential employment and have maintained a relationship with me beyond graduation. I mostly have just been following their lead.

Recently they contacted me to discuss a potential job that would assign me to a contract that they have with the provincial government and as such they require government approval to hire me. So we're both waiting on the government to make a move. Waiting.

Summer is passing quickly with some interesting events and experiences, but I am so limited in funds that I'm not doing all that I could be doing. Not that I could do more with a job (less free time), but somehow I feel a job would be a good node around which my life could be structured.

The fear, however, is that a) I will not get the job and so the time spent waiting was actually wasted, and b) I will be equally as unproductive but just get paid for it until they discover this.

It seems to be an easy dilemma to solve: just start being productive. And you know, I probably will do so once I have some clear direction. But historically speaking, I feel like I've never gone long periods without slacking off at a ridiculous level. What's to say I will have the incentive to change this about myself? "Where there's a want there's a will," they say. But doesn't the 'want' need to be defined? What the hell do I want?

Here's what I want: I want to be motivated. I want to be healthy. I want to influence wide-spread change. I want to be rich. I want to see the world. I want to love the world. I want the world to kinda love me back. I want to achieve great things. I demand satisfaction!

I am confident I will achieve all of this. But I don't understand why I feel this way given that I am a sloth. Am I the product of a society of entitlement? Do I simply feel I deserve what I desire?

Maybe so! However I also see evidence that that's all I need to attain it. Only time will tell.